Dec 20, 2011

Ho Ho Hum - 2012 Worst Gifts

Recently, I found an article from Esquire that listed the top items to buy men for Christmas.  For the most part, they nailed it!  Lots of electronics (grunt), power tools (grunt), electronics (grunt), and even a Ford Mustang Boss 302 (grunt grunt).  Did I mention electronics?  Of course, picking items for men is easy, because for the most part, we generally don't read into gifts and simply enjoy the fact that we received something for free.  With that said, I wondered about the WORST gifts to give this year (you can add your list in the comments below), and I was quite surprised (and entertained) at some of the items I found.
CNN Money lists the top 15 worst items to put on your Christmas shopping list, as found on Amazon.com recently.  They are worth summarizing:
  1. Pre-Need Cremation Plan: For the  measly price of $1,189, you can purchase a loved one a kit covering the cost of an urn, transportation and cremation.  Nothing says "Merry Christmas!  Hope you don't die too soon!" like a loving cremation gift set!
  2. Fresh Whole Rabbit: For $46 (plus $19 shipping), you can send the delicious gift of a freshly skinned rabbit, described as "lightly flavored (with) a nutty aftertaste", to all your vegetarian, PETA card wielding friends.  
  3. Automated Ukulele Band Machine: Why give an authentic PacMan or pinball arcade game when you can give a fully functioning and fully entertaining 900-pound one-piece band for a man cave?  It will, however, set you back $20,000 ... probably easier to take banjo lessons.
  4. Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank: I don't even know how to describe this ... and given they are sold out, not sure I need to.
  5. Uranium Ore: Not the best choice for a necklace or accessory, but quite handy and affordable ($39.95) when trying to establish your own sovereignty. 
  6. Geiger Counter: A government grade device that makes a great addition to the uranium ore!  For just $15,999, you can play "find the uranium ore" in your backyard and encourage your aspiring children to one day become an international nuclear weapons inspectors! 
  7. Bag of Bones: And not the kind you accumulate at the Christmas party and stash in your closet.  A real, authentic, bag of human bones.  Great for regifting at Halloween.  ($50.96 ... discounted from $59.95!)
  8. Playmobil Security Checkpoint: Allow your kids to simulate the same embarrassment endured by mommy and daddy each time they are asked to disrobe in front of impatient travellers.  Of course, for the same $190 you would spend here, you can buy a real airline ticket and at least enjoy the vacation end of the deal.
  9. Wolf Urine: 100% pure wolf urine from Deer Fence.  When just regular urine just won't do.  $31.95 gets you one quart ... or call me and I can work you a better deal!
  10. Yodelling Pickle: From Accoutrements, $10.80 buys you relief from the frustration you have from "trying to teach your pickles to yodel".  It's so real, the company boasts that "you'll think you're in the Swiss Alps listening to a yodelling pickle".  I'm just angry I didn't think of this first.
  11. Pole Vault Landing System: For $13,961.86 (quite an exact number), you can order from PORTaPIT your very own pole vault system and relive the disappointment and failure of your high school track years.  Note, the price does not include hospital and rehabilitation costs, so budget accordingly.
  12. Duck Carcass Press: From the master chef supply company, Mafter Bourgeat, comes the one item that all home chefs should have.  For $2,500, enjoy the convenience of pressing your own ducks at home.  Hopefully the instructions point out that no live ducks should be used.  This, like the rabbit carcass, would make a great gift for your PETA friends.
  13. Live Lady Bugs: Already have your daughter's room accessorized in red with adorable black spots?  Well, why not add 1,500 live lady bugs to the mix?  For just under $20, from Orcon Pest Control, you can add these cute, little, disease infested bugs throughout your house!  What a deal.
  14. Catholic Monstrance: For $25,000, purchase your own, one-of-a-kind monstrance, which, according to Wikipedia, "is a vessel used in the Roman Catholic church to display the consecrated Eucharistic host, during Eucharistic adoration or Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament".  Okay, so this is a little more specialized than most gifts, but if it suits your fancy, better hurry ... only one left!
  15. Tuscan Milk: When paying $8 a gallon for organic milk just doesn't cut it, now you can buy real Tuscan milk for $45 a gallon.  Of course, it's vitamin D enriched at no additional charge. 
I scoured the internet for bad gifts, and this list just did a great job for me.  I believe in simplicity and not reinventing the wheel, so thank you to Julianne Pepitone, who writes for CNN Money Technology for accumulating that entertaining list.  You can follow her on Twitter at @CNNMoneyTech.

So, how about you ... what do YOU think are the worst gifts to give this year?